I hope I am not too late to the party but I thought I’d give my two cents on various child disciplining experiences based on an event from weeks ago. There was a video that trended on social media some weeks back for obvious reasons. For those of you, who have “PhDs in maturity” and therefore are not on social media like that, (the likes of Atte Focho) you can watch the video below.
Apparently, George, the father in the video, slaps and punches his son while raining insults on him. The reason for his rage, his son (I’m sorry I didn’t catch his name) failed most of his subjects woefully and was absent for others. He, however, got a distinction in music, the only subject he passed. Meanwhile, George spent cumbersome amounts of money on tuition. To be very precise, twenty-one thousand dollars (in other currencies, nineteen thousand three hundred and sixty-one Euros or eight million Naira as my Nigerian brothers and sisters have repeatedly pointed out!). So he, George, does have a lot of sympathizers on social media who absolutely agree with his actions.
The comments which ensued this video were nothing short of entertaining, championed by Nigerians with belly-aching jokes and memes. I am most certain I speak for many when I say the average Nigerian is a comedian. Apart from the jokes made, a lot of comments were about personal experiences. A good number suggested that George was doing nothing compared to what their parents would do in his stead. And there were those who were simply offended, calling George out for being cruel and all.
The mixed reactions from the millions of people who watched the video abound. On the one hand, some supported George with remarks like “you spare the rod you spoil the child”. Not exactly in those words but you get the drift. And on the other hand, those who were categorically against the choice of punishment. (And by the way, why was the boy’s mother recording? I understand Kodak moments. You know, those occasions suitable for memorializing with a photograph or a video, but how would this particular moment be great to relive for any of the parties?)
What stroke me through this entire internet saga, however, was not so much the video, nor the comments in themselves, but the glee and pride with which many commentators shared their experiences. The speed with which many others agreed with some crazy stuff, retweeted and shared. Some of the stories were horrendous and in my humble opinion, not funny at all. But best believe you me, it is an unpopular opinion, as the reactions to these stories were even deemer and were told in such light-hearted tones as if to suggest, it is okay to put a child in a drum and roll them around while encouraging them to shout out “I am a thief”!
I am not going to sit here and pretend like I was not whooped as a child. I was, and plenty. And if you ask me I’d say I probably deserved every whooping I got. My siblings and I were such wild children, we needed, by any means necessary, to be tamed!
However, there is a fine line between disciplining a child to correct them, and humiliating them to release one’s own frustration. And if you find yourself doing the latter, well there is a name for that and it definitely is not discipline.
Before you go out lashing, you need to ask yourself if the child in question is actually learning anything from your choice of discipline. But do some of us parents care? As long as we have vented out our anger. That is what counts!
Mind you, I am not encouraging this young man’s actions, personally, I believe failing exams the way he did, and not showing up for some at all, is an act of defiance.
A rebellion against God knows who, or what.
And that should be the crux of this internet brouhaha!!!! But here we are, peering into strange tales of the child disciplining experiences most commentators have endured in the past-
I could go on and on with these reactions but I am sure you get my point. These personal experiences reveal that we do have deeply rooted issues within some of our communities when it comes to disciplining children. Interestingly, money was the centre of every justification. It is disturbing to see how the comments absolved this father based on the amount spent on tuition.
My question then is, would it have made a difference if George had not paid fees at all? If this same boy had come home with these same results would his father have reacted that way? Are students who go to cheaper schools allowed to flunk because it didn’t cost their parents much? Would the method of disciplining him have been different? I have so many questions. And I wish all these internet aunties and uncles could indulge me.
What if that parent who denied his son’s dinner later found out his son developed gastritis? What if the child put in a drum broke their neck? And please, this is not me telling anyone how to discipline their child.
At the end of the day, no one can ever love your child more than you do, nor wish them well more than you do. At the same time, no one can ever scar your child for life as much as you would. It would be wise not to cross the line every now and again.
We need to tone down the need for corporal punishment within our communities. Especially at the age when children begin to understand that every action has consequences. Every time a child errs should be a teachable moment.
One commentator said-
“This topic has shown a lot of us need therapy. I don’t understand how folks are sharing stories of them being abused with so much glee and a sense of anticipation to do the same to their kids. Heartbreaking that this has been normalized as discipline/love”.
I couldn’t agree more!
You have raised some very salient points.Thought provoking I dare say.I believe when it comes to discipline,each punishment should serve as a deterrent for future mishaps.Tough love has been the rug under which many child abuse cases have been swept under.If I ever punish my kids,I pray it be from a place of love,care and concern and not as an outlet of anger.With that said,I cannot for the life of me comprehend how the woman, goes on filming? In this 21st century let’s admit that 8million for an African home is enough to flood anyone’s sanity boat.
Thank you, Jr., and well said. As parents, I think we need to keep our selves in constant check. filming and saying “eehe George” looool
I agree with you to a large extend. However, let me play devil’s advocate. When people mention the amount it’s not to say had his father paid less, he might be justified in not taking school-work seriously. The outcry is because the amount paid is symbolic of the stress and sacrifice the man is putting in. Failing, IMO, is not the issue. Not turning up for exams is nonchalance to be met with strict punishment.
What that man is doing is not strict punishment. He is venting. and at that point, it is more about him than it is about the son. Missing out on exams are reflections of more serious issues and the father is not going to get to the bottom of them like that. Again, my worry is the reactions, we can do better.
I hope I will be alive by the time I finish writing this. I don’t really see what George is doing wrong in correcting his son with those harmless slaps. I see him controlling himself, his anger and his frustration. I imagine myself as a teacher being frustrated like this man with a particular student who says school is not his thing and makes all F grades coz he refuses to make the least effort (writing his name on his script). I feel George’s pain and frustration. After that I suggest he has a one on one talk with his son and their expectations, both in academics and in their father son relationship.
Edus he is not correcting that boy with those slaps. He is venting! I get that children will push you to your absolute limit! But what ever you choose to do, it should be about that child and not you. Are they learning anything from what you are doing? Scenarios like these only drive children further away from their parents. As I said, I believe there is more to him failing exams. And that should have been the focus.
Very well written dear. It is something all of us should think about. This attitude is very typical of Indian parents too. Sometimes so much pressure on children makes them alienate themselves from parents. Before taking some extreme actions it is important to reflect and then decide the proper way to deal with children. Keep going love!
That alienating happens A LOT. Kids are no longer open with their parents cos of the fear these parents have instilled in them. Yes to reflecting! Thanks Sadhna love😘😘😘
This is on point!! We need to draw the line between actually disciplining a child and venting out our frustration. When you wrote ” everytime a child errs should be a teaching moment “, I felt that somewhere deep. Thank you for that.
😊😊😊😊I see myself doing it most times cos i am frustrated. But reading through those comments im like i really should keep myself in check🙏🙏. Thanks for the feedback Flor
You raise some very pertinent issues. Well Done. Indeed as z generation we need to unlearn sooo many things. The normalisation of certain ills sickens me now that I know better. Like u mentioned the comments centred around the amount of money spent. Let me ask
1. whose choice was it to send the kid to a 21k school? most likely the parents. so they can boast of where thier kids study
2. It is evident from his results the guy has a passion for music but his parents are not having it. What this video also raises is the issue of African parents choosing career paths for kids. Goshhhh
So much we need to unlearn as a people
Thanks for the feedback Leonide. We really do have to unlearn certain habits. You are absolutely right! Imposing our dreams and aspirations on our kids should not be this generations thing. Thanks again for your thoughts 😊😊
I totally agree with you darling. This is a problem deep-rooted in many communities, it is very common within the Middle Eastern communities too. I can’t deny that I myself have experienced this kind of disciplining too. But, there is a big difference between enduring enduring those situations and watching them. I must admit watching this video was very annoying and disturbing for me, I couldn’t even continue watching it. I can’t understand how people could sympathize with the father💔! Having suffered does not mean that others must suffer too. The boy has done wrong, no doubt!!! But disciplining can be achieved in thousand other ways, not only physical abuse. It is because most of us have experienced this kind of punishment, that we have to refuse it.
As for me, parenting methods are many, beating is surely not one of them!!
Keep going dear!
I couldn’t watch the video till the end too. But many are sympathetic because the amount the father paid for school fees is enormous!
Kudos to you for choosing a different approach even though you were discipled this way. Parenting is hard. I really hope we disciple our kids in the best possible way.
Thanks for the feedback love❤️❤️❤️
Hmmm… I kind of lost it when the mom just stood the whole time recording 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️. I believe at a certain age, dialogue would pass a more meaningful message as opposed to the slaps this guy got. Granted, the dad has to be angry ( 8 M for tuition n the son didn’t even bother to write his name on his script habaaaaa). The son , being the eldest, has the pressure of being the pace setter and example to his siblings and I understand the father’s frustration. I am not a perfect parent myself and I’m not in any position to undermine another person’s parenting but yes… I understand where Njweng is coming from. We can’t really judge this particular father from this one episode we hv seen ( could hv been the one time he lost it after sessions n sessions of dialogue 🤷🏾♀️ ; as well as it could hv been his normal routine 🤷🏾♀️). Bottom line, parents need to draw the line btwn venting n correcting with love. Nice read Njweng
That mamiee ehh😂😂😂😂. For real we cannot judge the father based on that one video. It may very much be out of context. But the comments are appalling. And we do need to draw tje line. Thanks for the feedback Shearon
Another great read Njweng! Our community needs to do a lot of work when it comes to anger management. We take the saying “spare the rod and spoil the child” too farrrr!
That is ehhhh. Me sep im working on me😅
The most embarrasing thing i find in this video is the filming. I think it was improper for who ever she is to be filming such a scene. I was once a child and i have children now…and any parent will aggree with me how challenging it is to bring up a child. I come from the generation were coporal punishment was a vital necessity to discipline, and many of us including you i guess will admit how vital it was to our success. The severity and frequency is certainly where i would concentrate my fthoughts. It is clear in the world today that lack of discipline is the cause of so many ills in our society. There are some corrections that would always stick after some coporal corrective action. My process is quite simple, every wrong doing is corrected and spoken about 5 times, the 6 time, trust me, you are getting a whopping. And every one under my guardianship knows the process very well. It has worked quite effeciently for me so far.
Yes, it was wrong on every level to be filming!! I have nothing against sparing the rod and spoiling a child but some parents tend to cross lines and then it becomes abuse. You can see that from most of the comments. Thanks so much for the feedback!!
I understand you so well because I have been doing some studies on parenting and how to punish a child in a way he/she will start adopting the positive attitude we want. Meanwhile it’s sometimes hard to control how we react to certain situations, it comes naturally to some people to be calm and others to go wild before realizing that it’s not worth it. Slowly some of us parents will get to connecting with the children before corrections.
Raising children is no walk in the park. I’m glad you are seeking out resources to be a better disciplinarian. Thanks for the feedback!
Ha!!! I couldn’t watch the video to the end oh, considering a teenager was being slapped like that, and his mother is recording!!! Posting that video can scar that kid for life, and make him hate his parents!!
I’m no biological parent, but I was a young child once, and from experience, I know there were some things I did that just never warranted corporal punishment, but my mom faithfully used it to correct me, which nearly ruined our relationship. It took God for me to be able to sit down and have a sane discussion with her after so many years. My Dad, on the other hand, treated us like his friends, especially when we became teenagers. If my Dad even raised his voice at you at home, everybody will be angry with you because you had crossed the line!
I believe several forms of discipline can be used on a child, but venting or shaming them just isn’t the way. This may be just one incident, and maybe the son has pushed the parents, it’s hard to tell. But yes, discipline should always be to look out for the child’s best interest.
Thanks, Geraldine! Indeed we all were once children. This is very insightful when disciplining children. If we adults would empathize, you’d see yourself taking a different route altogether. Thanks so much for the feedback and for sharing your own experience. Now I am more conscious about not threatening my relationship with these boys by choosing the wrong method of disciplining them.
Thanks dear!!
I am one of those who supported the Dad.I must say he wasn’t venting,he was punishing the child and the punishment sef was very light.Needless to say i am one of those ” you spare the rod,you spoil the child”.
I wasn’t beaten as a kid because i was an obedient one.But i believe in beating and punishing your child.On the other hand i am the ONLY ONE allowed to touch them to discipline them in any form.Again i am the ONLY ONE.No one else i dont care if you are part of their DNA.And my kids know i love them but they know mummy will not tolerate wrongdoings.Having said that every parent is different and has the right to raise their kids in what ever way they please.But i Uriah Ngum does not spare the rod,salvation is not personal under my roof.
Nice right up my love Du courage.Love your work.You are a phenomenal woman.
Hihihihihihihih, Uri boo. that man was in his feelings ya the girl. But make we lef the matter so. If you have to be slapping slapping Matthew and Mark like that at that age, id be so so worried about them sha! That is why it is important to establish effective communication lines when they are a lot younger. which is not necessarily through slaps like that. Then you’d most definitely not have to be doing things like this later.
My blame goes to the parents. If George was as caring as he claims to be ” through discpline” he would have noticed his child’s weaknesses and disengagement long before exams begun. We parents need to come closer to our kids than ever before to understand them; know their fears and distress and to encourage them if need be. Spending weekends at most with our kids is very important, to talk about their education, social lives, relationship with God etc. We are responsible to nurture them in a way that when they grow up we would be proud of them.
About discipline, I always give my kids the right to choice and the repercussions that follows each decision. I teach them that life is full of choices and each choice has consequences. I tell them the importance of making good choices so we unanimously bring out both good and wrong decisions and their repercussions. So when any of them goes against any, he already knows what befalls him. I am good at depriving them from what you love most for a wrong decision taken.😎
lol mummy Sisi has spoken! sorry I am only seeing this now Ohh.im with you on several fronts. God help us to raise men that we will be proud of tomorrow!!! Thanks for your feedback.